Compassion For Those Who Hurt Us
We are undoubtedly going to encounter people in our life that we find difficult or who cause us pain. They may even be in our social circles, office places, or families. When these interactions occur, we may try really hard… perhaps too hard… to be “compassionate.” In these efforts, we may even end up tolerating poor treatment under the misguided belief that doing so is an act of kindness or compassion. Many of you reading this may relate intimately to that struggle.
On some level, it makes sense that we would trip up here. After all, we sometimes adhere to unhelpful beliefs about what it means to be compassionate. For example, we may think that being compassionate means always saying yes, or prioritizing others’ needs over our own. Other times, our compassionate actions aren’t actually “towards moves” (i.e., moves towards a life of value) but “away moves” (i.e., moves to avoid something) - they’re fueled by attempts to run away from guilt, shame, or judgment from other people or even ourselves. And at other points, we may find ourselves stuck in an empathy trap, where our consideration of others’ perspectives or motivations quickly cascades into rationalizing or excusing their hurtful actions.
Let’s stop doing this.
Before we go any further, it’s imperative to review what compassion is, and what compassion is not. As defined by Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassion-Focused Therapy, compassion is the sensitivity to suffering, coupled with the motivation to alleviate it or prevent it. Compassion can be directed towards others, and it can also be directed towards ourselves.
Compassion is not giving someone a free pass, letting someone off the hook, or allowing someone to treat us poorly. Being compassionate may help us to understand a person’s actions, but it doesn’t mean we should excuse those actions. Compassion is also not just what we do, but how we do it. For example, compassion may involve sharing your feelings (even your displeasure) without criticizing or shaming another person.
Extending true compassion towards people with whom we struggle or people who have hurt us can feel mentally exhausting, as it may require us to hold multiple truths simultaneously:
1. There are some people that we find challenging; these same people are contending with their own tricky brains and negative past experiences.
2. We strive to respect people even when they hurt us. We acknowledge that although we disagree with their actions, we share a common humanity.
Although it’s challenging, keeping these thoughts in mind can help us to let go of some of our anger, resentment, and pain. And even in the context of acknowledging another person’s tricky brain, difficulties, and humanity, we can hold firm in our stance. For example, we can implement boundaries while simultaneously acknowledging the suffering of the other person. Likewise, we can defend and protect ourselves without getting hung up on our own thoughts, feelings, and judgments related to the other person.
Try not to judge or criticize yourself if you find this hard to do; after all, it is a universally difficult task!
When I struggle with sending compassion to people who have hurt me, I recall a quote from Ram Dass (paraphrased from Kabir, an Indian poet and spiritual figure from the 15th century): "Do what you must with another human being, but never put them out of your heart." We can be compassionate and still say “no” to another person. Setting expectations, sticking to boundaries, and standing firm can be part of the equation.
You may still find yourself wondering if there’s any value associated with showing compassion towards all beings, even our enemies. Fair question. Keep in mind that these situations offer us an opportunity for self growth. Extending compassion towards people we love and feel a natural warmth towards is easy; but as we find a person more difficult, the task becomes harder. So to practice, start by extending compassion towards someone just a bit annoying – a frustrating neighbor, someone who cut you in line at the supermarket, or a person who cut you off in traffic. With time, you can expand compassion towards more and more people, with increasing difficulty. By practicing compassion thoughtfully and mindfully, we can navigate our relationships and interactions in ways that honor both ourselves and others.
