Compassion in the Face of Anger
We all experience anger, some of us more easily than others. Some of us find anger to be more accessible than other emotions; instead of sadness or fear or anxiety, anger quickly enters the scene. Others of us find anger to be uncomfortable to experience… and perhaps even to talk about! Regardless of where you stand, it’s likely that other emotions – perhaps guilt or shame – also arise in response to feelings or expressions of anger.
Anger is a complicated emotion; it’s often described as holding onto a burning coal, intending to throw it at someone else but only burning ourselves in the process. When anger becomes loud, it can easily become overwhelming. If we experience anger or have it directed towards us, we might struggle to think clearly, communicate in effective ways, and feel connected to ourselves or others. That said, we can learn to manage, work with, and even learn from anger. As Uncle Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender wisely states, “You must let go of your feelings of shame if you want your anger to go away.” Lucky for us, a great antidote to both is compassion, towards others as well as ourselves.
Defining Compassion
Let’s start by defining compassion: it is sensitivity to suffering coupled with a motivation to prevent or alleviate suffering. This form of compassion is strong, honest, and resilient; it allows you to tolerate pain and distress, including the suffering that accompanies anger. Keep in mind that anger stems from feeling threatened in some way. Perhaps you feel physically threatened, as though your reputation is at risk, or that you're in emotional danger. In response, our minds and bodies go into defense mode. Compassion, on the other hand, taps into an entirely different set of emotions, ways of thinking, and ways of behaving, which encourages us to think, feel, and act in ways that are grounded in care and understanding.
Compassionate Contact with the Present Moment
Developing mindfulness is a key first step in effectively managing anger. Mindfulness helps us to notice when anger begins to arise and explore it with gentle curiosity. It also helps us to lengthen the space between an urge and an action.
Pay attention to what is going on in your body:
Where is there defensiveness?
What feels threatened?
What is being activated?
Also take note of what is happening in your mind.
What story are you telling yourself?
What words or phrases are showing up?
Whose voice echoes in your head during these moments?
And finally, see if you can recognize other emotions – sadness, fear, anxiety – that may be lurking beneath the anger.
But What Else Do I Do?
When faced with anger, we can feel limited two options: 1) act on the impulses of anger or 2) to suppress the emotion altogether. Yet there is a third option: to work with and transform the anger. This involves staying steady in the presence of anger, soothing ourselves as needed, listening to what anger is telling us, and practicing assertiveness. Doing so requires self-compassion.
Compassion for others is equally essential, particularly in moments of anger. Cultivating compassion towards others is particularly important when anger is involved. Often, other people are not against us – they are simply acting in ways that protect their own vulnerabilities. Compassion allows us to bridge the gap between feeling attacked and recognizing our shared and common humanity.
