The Courage to Be Imperfect
As outlined in the previous post, perfectionism involves maintaining unrealistically high standards. If you don’t hit these standards, you feel inadequate and worthless. If you do hit these standards, you raise the bar a bit higher for the next time. As a result, it may seem that your only choice forward is to exert even greater effort to feel accomplished and worthy. But striving for improvement doesn’t resolve perfectionism; instead, it fuels the cycle. What's truly required is a different approach: conquering perfectionism demands finding acceptance with (and taking steps toward) embracing imperfection. Here are some methods to accomplish just that:
Make Peace with Your Inner Critic
As a perfectionist, you likely have a harsh inner critic that is quick to alert you each time you miss the mark. Your goal is to make peace with this part of yourself. Doing so does not mean that you put the inner critic in the driver’s seat or accept its comments as facts. But it does mean accepting that the inner critic is along for the ride. Ask yourself what the inner critic is trying to protect you from. Is it trying to guard you from feeling hurt or rejected by others? Is it an old injury being reactivated? Inquiring in this way can help to get at the root of the issue. Attempting to silence or banish it will likely cause it to rebound even stronger.
Get Comfortable Messing Up
If you continue acting as though perfection is necessary, you will continue believing it. So make space for errors. Start off small – dot your “i’s” off-center, resist the urge to correct a typo, or allow your clothes to be mismatched. Doing so will teach you that 1) the impact of these slip-ups will be smaller than expected and 2) even if there is a consequence, you’ll still survive.
Find Enjoyment in Things You’re Bad At
If you trend towards perfectionism, you likely find yourself drawn to activities in which you can excel, while avoiding those that you find more challenging. But doing so can confine your interests to a narrow range and hinder your ability to embrace imperfection. Instead, become comfortable with pursuing a hobby or engaging in an activity where you're not necessarily nailing it. For me personally, engaging in yoga has been wildly helpful in combating my own perfectionism. Not for the benefits of heightened body awareness or mindfulness (though I imagine that doesn’t hurt!), but rather because I am not terribly good at it. Admittedly, my initial attempts were fraught with comparisons to others and self-critical thoughts. But through consistent efforts at grounding myself in the present moment and stepping away from those criticisms, I've gradually learned to derive satisfaction from the activity itself, rather than fixating on my achievements.
Generate Compassion Towards Others
(and Therefore Yourself)
To soften your perfectionism, you may have been instructed to ask yourself what you would say to a friend in the same situation. The idea behind this notion is to extend the same compassion towards yourself as you would towards someone you care about. However, it’s worth asking yourself a hard question: do you find yourself - even only in your mind - engaging in critical or judgmental thoughts of others? If the answer is yes, then it’s worth your while to practice generating compassion towards others who are struggling with similar situations as yourself. Fostering compassion towards others not only helps them, but helps to generate that flow within yourself.
