Letting Go of What Others Think
It starts off innocently enough, perhaps as a review of a social situation. You ponder a potential faux pas, or consider how a comment might have landed. But the desire for that quick fix of reassurance quickly spirals into a detailed play-by-play of the entire interaction. The world begins to feel more constricted, and your perspective becomes myopic. With a sigh of exhaustion you wonder: how do I stop caring about what other people think?
This phenomenon, termed rumination, is incredibly common, particularly when your focus is on how others perceive you. After all, it is natural to worry about you come across to others; in fact, you are evolutionarily programed to care about what others think of you. Imagine back to caveman times, to the period when being attacked by a wild animal was a legitimate threat, to when struggles to secure food may very well have resulted in starvation, and to when your reliance on others was a matter of survival. During these ancient times, your chance of living through the day was closely tied to your status within a group. The alone monkey was a dead monkey. In other words, being accepted and ensuring companionship were essential for your survival. And although social isolation is no longer a death sentence, it can still feel like one. After all, the biological drive to belong persists.
So let’s start by softening the shame associated with obsessing about what others think. Instead of silently cursing yourself for getting caught in these thought, realize that your mind thinks it is trying to protect you (thanks, brain!). If you pile on judgment for thinking the way you are designed to think, you risk staying stuck. But on the other hand, by naming this process as “the tricky brain in motion,” you form a compassionate lens from which you can move forward. And from there, instead of simply willing yourself to not care about what others think, you can reframe your goals:
Live authentically. Reflect on how your behavior would change if you didn't concern yourself with what others think. What activities would you engage in more frequently? What would you do less of? What requests would you make? What boundaries would you establish? What characteristics and values would you embody? To effectively work towards change, it's important to define your goals in concrete, observable, and operational terms.
Surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. Being with others who appreciate your natural qualities can have a profound impact on your self-worth. Within this safe and supportive environment, you can cultivate courage and self-confidence, and (somewhat ironically) learn to rely less on external validation. When others consistently offer compassion and acceptance, it becomes easier for you to generate that flow of compassion within yourself.
Create some distance from your thoughts. You can’t stop your thoughts from coming, but to some extent you can stop yourself from going down the rabbit holes created by your mind. Instead of having tea parties with the Mad Hatter, when unwanted thoughts arise, try the following: 1) Realize that you’re in threat mode. 2) Recognize that there is no actual threat. This is akin to a smoke alarm falsely going off. 3) Observe your thoughts. Practice seeing them as thoughts instead of seeing the world through them. 4) Gently pull yourself back to the present moment, without judgment.
Consider current stressors. What else is going on in your life right now? Are you dealing with some other stressor that is putting your social standing or sense of security at risk? Understanding these contextual factors can help you work through and recognize the function of your overthinking.
Reflect on your past experiences. While everyone may benefit a bit from some of the above, it's important to consider the ways in which your unique history has shaped your concerns. What past experiences (e.g., bullying, rejection, traumatic experiences) may have made you more sensitive to judgment and criticism? Have there been times in your life when your worth felt contingent upon meeting certain expectations? Have you been in highly competitive work or academic environments that prioritize external validation and subsequent need for others' approval?
You cannot completely cease your concern regarding others' opinions, but that's perfectly okay. By distancing yourself from the rhetoric created by your own mind and adopting a more compassionate outlook, you can reduce the dominance of these worries. This shift allows you to regain control of the wheel, and the impact can be truly freeing.
